If my teen understands why I do what I do, will she agree? Dr. Ray says understanding does not equal agreement, and explains why that is such a frustration for parents.
“She does understand. She doesn’t like it.”
A parent will be in my office, say for example with a teen, and the parent will lament, “I wish I could just get her to understand why we do what we do. We’re not trying to be mean, we’re trying to raise her well. I just don’t think she understands. And if she understood, I think our parenting would be easier. I’d have more peace at the house.”
At that point I might turn to the young lady or young man and say, “Would you explain in your own words, for the court, why your mother does what she does? Why your mother, for example, won’t let you have a smartphone yet?” And at that point the kid will take up the mantle, turn to Mom, and with articulation far superior to my own say, “I know that you believe I’m just trying to be difficult, and I realize you’re not trying to be difficult. I realize you want to do what is good for me, and this will help me a lot as I get older. I see the way some of my friends are being raised and it’s not good. Even though I want to do what they want to do and you’re stopping me, in the long run I’m probably going to appreciate it.” And she goes on and on, explaining her understanding of why her mother does what she does, probably more perfectly than the mother could.
At that point, I keep smelling salts in my top-left drawer. I go to Mom and put them underneath her nose and arouse her after she’s fainted on the floor. And I ask Mom, “What do you think?” Mom says, “I don’t believe it. She seems to totally understand.” And I say, “You thought she was not being cooperative or battling you because she didn’t understand?” “Yes. I thought if she understood, she’d at least be more agreeable about this stuff.” “Well, do you think she understands now?” “Well, unless she was just mouthing the words, at least she seems to understand what I’ve been trying to tell her.” I said, “Well, Mom, you are absolutely right. She does understand. She doesn’t like it and she doesn’t agree with it. There’s where the problem is.”
“Understanding does not equal agreement”
This is kind of like the old philosophers who thought that if you had proper knowledge, you would have proper conduct. This is where I think Christianity corrected them. Proper knowledge does not necessarily lead to proper conduct, because self-interest is involved, or fallen human nature, as we Christians would call it. I can have all the knowledge in the world. I can know completely and totally why I shouldn’t smoke. I can recite a beautiful dissertation on all the problems of smoking and still smoke. “So, Dr. Ray, that’s different. That’s a physical addiction.” But I can recite all the reasons why I should forgive my mother-in-law and still not do it. Understanding does not equal agreement.
I think that’s a frustration for parents so much. They’ll say, “How do I get him to listen? How do I get him to see?” Well, you get him to listen and see by telling them. But the next step is not that it’s going to be all fixed. Many people will say, “My mother-in-law, I just can’t get her to understand why I homeschool or why I’m raising my kids the way I am. She’s always got comments. How do I get her to understand?” I go, she probably can understand. She just doesn’t like it. That’s very different. I think it’s much easier to make somebody understand than it is to agree, if they don’t want to agree.
I can understand all kinds of things. If somebody says to me, “I believe that a woman can choose whether to kill that baby in her womb or not,” I can understand their logic, however flawed I think it is. I can understand it. I don’t agree with it. I can understand why kids decide when they’re 19 years old to drift from the faith. I don’t accept it or like it. That seems to be a misconception that’s so prominent now: if I can get someone to understand me, they’ll be more open to agreeing with me. Maybe. But if in the end they don’t want to agree with you, no matter how much they understand why you think and do the way you do, then that’s not going to happen. That’s so hard for us to accept.
Now, I can understand why you don’t accept it, but I don’t agree with why you don’t accept it. So I understand why the folks at EWTN and Ave Maria say, “I’ve got to take a break right now.” Okay, they’ve got to have breaks. They’ve got certain time cues they have to have. I got that part. I don’t agree with it! I said I don’t want to take a break. I’ve got more to say.
For parents of teens who understand the rules and still push back, Dr. Ray’s book Standing Strong: Good Discipline Makes Great Teens is a good place to go next.
Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.