Is it actually good to parent your kids a little less? Dr. Ray reads from an article on “mindful underparenting,” looks at what parents say they want most for their children, and adds a story about boredom.
“I just want them to be happy”
This was sent to me by Janet Clark. Some of you might know she has been, many, many times, especially in the northeastern Ohio area, my role-play co-actress in the different things we do on “Living Right with Dr. Ray.” We usually have an informal role play to try to make some point about life or living.
Let me preface this. I was watching a sitcom once, and the parent, when talking to the spouse about her desire for her kids, said, “I want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy.” At the time, of course, I can’t shut my mouth. I make these comments, which probably drives my wife crazy. I’ve got to make psychological comments. I said, “Happy. So that’s the priority here, happy.” And I thought to myself, I wonder, if I pay attention, how many of the programs we watch on TV, if the topic comes up, have a parent saying, “I just want my kids to be happy.”
Well, I have been confirmed, well, not sacramentally, in my observation. A recent Pew Center study reports that parents want above all else for their children financial independence and a satisfying job. Okay, that’s one and two. Graduating from college was a distant third. Getting married and having children of their own, according to this article, and I like the way they said this, pulled up the rear. Being moral, finding meaning in life, or practicing a religion did not appear on the list of priorities.
How is this relevant? Well, when you compare it to other survey data, which basically says that our young people, the Gen Z years and maybe the Millennials, have the highest recorded rates of anxiety and depression of any group surveyed, the article says: with such external and materialistic aspirations for their children, it is not surprising, though it’s a sad irony, that these same parents reported they are most worried about their children’s mental health. These same parents want financial independence and a satisfying job first and foremost for their kids, with getting married way, way, way down, and being moral, finding meaning in life, religion, not even showing up on the radar.
“Parents should ignore their children more often”
This is an interesting suggestion by a psychologist named Darby Saxbe. I said “the guy,” but, sorry about that, Darby is female. Boy, this is really bad for the gentle parenting folk. Quote: “Parents should ignore their children more often.” Now, this makes for an ear-catching phrase, but here’s what she means. Not so much that the kids should be ignored, as that they be de-centered. She argues that today’s frantic, child-centered, helicopter parenting is, quote, “based on assumptions about what our children need to thrive that are not supported by evidence from most of human history until the last few decades.” Parents practiced what she calls “mindful underparenting.”
Now, this allows kids to, quote, “spend lots of time with their parents but not usually as the parents’ primary focus, sometimes bored, sometimes engaged.” I’m quoting her now. These kids spend much of their time observing adults doing adult things. Now, this is a shocker, and I can see this. She says, quote, “Your average daycare is probably closer to the average historical childhood experience than today’s overstimulated boy or girl at the center of attention.” Whoo.
Let’s see if there’s anything else she says. They go on to talk about how kids observe us, and we are still the greatest influence. It says here, “The good news is that among all possible influences, parents exert far and away the greatest influence on their children’s religious outcomes.” Well, let me qualify that. If they so intentionally do, they can exert the greatest possible influence. All right, there you go. There’s a lot more she says, but let’s leave it at that.
“Children need boring time”
By the way, just as a P.S. here, my second book was called “Back to the Family,” and we interviewed strong families in all 50 states. We were talking about spending time with your kids, and one mother observed, she said, “Children need boring time. They need to have time just to look at stuff, not the computer screen, outside stuff, curiosity stuff. They need time.”
One time I said this to a priest from Africa. We were talking about raising kids, and I said, “A lot of parents hear from their children, ‘I’m bored.’” He looked at me, puzzled. He said, “What is that word?” I said, “Bored.” He says, “Yes?” I said, “Well, it means kind of like you don’t really have anything to do.” And then he said, “How could you not have anything to do?” They did not have a word in his language, in his tribal language, for “boring.” Interesting, isn’t it?
On the question of what parents should put first, Dr. Ray’s book Raising Upright Kids in an Upside-Down World picks it up.
Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.