Category: Parenting

Why do lectures stop working on kids? Dr. Ray explains why parents slide into long, repeated lectures, what teenagers told him bothers them most, and why shorter ones are more likely to be absorbed.

“Lectures. They didn’t like lectures.”

My second book was titled “Back to the Family.” I did it in conjunction with Akron Children’s Hospital. A friend of mine, who was vice president of marketing at the hospital, orchestrated it. He had an idea that he was going to ask the national state teachers of the year in all 50 states, “Can you describe some very strong families that you have come across in your years of teaching?” Obviously, to be a state teacher of the year you have to love the profession and be pretty much involved in it. So he figured they were pretty good identifiers of solid families, and it turned out very much so.

The book more or less taps into their ideas regarding discipline, communication, religion, marriage. It was a broad-range look at parenting. Wherever possible, we interviewed the kids, the older ones, maybe 13, 14 on up, and some were pretty insightful. We asked them, under the communication chapter I think it was, “What do your parents do that most bothers you, that most frustrates you?” Keep in mind, these were not families that were pathological by any stretch. We didn’t hear, “Oh, I just hate when the cops come here before breakfast. Oh, my mom, she hurt her arm so she can’t really throw plates at my dad like she used to. She has to throw with her left arm and sometimes she misses.”

You know what we heard? It’s going to come as no surprise to those of you who have teenagers. Lectures. They didn’t like lectures. Now, what is a lecture? We grownups have a very broad-based definition. To us, a lecture is anything that goes on for more than 24 minutes or is repetitive six to eight times. To the kids, a lecture is anything that is a compound sentence of more than seven words. One that begins with, “You know, young lady, when I was your age,” or “We’re going to have a little talk about this, young man.”

The desperation behind the lecture

Now, am I saying don’t lecture? Of course not. I’m a parent. It’s part of the passage of being a parent. But I think there’s a certain desperation to lectures that can creep in. We so much want the kids to understand why we do what we do, the reasoning behind our Neanderthal decisions, as they see it. So we explain. We want to get through, and maybe one explanation from one angle isn’t enough, so we try different angles. We recall our own childhood. We draw moral parallels. There’s nothing wrong with this, but it does follow the law of diminishing returns.

There comes a point in that lecture, usually somewhere around the 90-second mark, where they’re blanking out. You can see it in their eyes. Lecture number 602: “When I was your age, I was grateful for what little I had.” Part of the reason we go on is that we think we’re not being understood. They’re not getting this. Or maybe it’s a unique piece of misconduct, something they don’t routinely do that comes from left field, so you figure, “We better talk about this.”

And again, do not mishear me. I am not saying that as a parent you don’t talk about these things. What I’m saying is, especially if this is stuff that is recurrent. For example, he has a tendency to belittle his little sister. She’s 11, he’s 14, and he takes every chance to poke at her. Now you’ve talked about this with him, but you feel compelled every so often to launch into a lecture again on why this isn’t good. Lectures one and two, you made yourself heard. Lectures 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, it’s fading. He’s enduring it. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re wasting your breath, but it’s close. It’s very close. And I know this would be hard to believe, but I don’t really like wasted words. “But then, Dr. Ray, you shouldn’t have your radio show.” Okay, easy.

“Keep it short and sweet”

Lectures come out of the desperate need to make sure they absorb our moral lesson, our social lesson, what we’re trying to teach, so that when they’re 23 they don’t have to learn the hard way. I got that part. I truly do. But at some point, you keep it short and sweet and you make your case. “I’m not letting you go to the mall because you’re 13 years old and it’s unsupervised. And I know that your friend Snake is allowed to go along with his brother Conan, but I just don’t think it’s smart.” Now you’ve explained it.

When they try to get you to prolong your lecture, it’s not that they want to hear more reasons so that they can finally say, “Well, Mother, thank you. Had you stopped explaining this to me at the 24-minute mark, I don’t think I really would have understood. But because you kept on for another 18 minutes after that, I saw the light. It’s so clear to me now.”

Pick and choose your lectures. If you’ve been over the same subject many times, a good rule of thumb is to make each ensuing lecture a little shorter. Watch out for the cues that they’re glazing over. It’s a deer, and your headlights are on bright. You’re not getting there. In fact, this is one thing you might want to ponder: are you actually losing ground? The more lectures, probably the less likely the lectures are absorbed.

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For more on discipline that sticks, Dr. Ray’s book Discipline That Lasts a Lifetime is a good next read.

Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.

Which everyday phrases make kids anxious, and are parents getting too neurotic about them? Dr. Ray reacts to an article in which a psychologist warns against seven common phrases, and tells you where he agrees and where he does not.

“Psychologists warn”

This is one of my problems with these articles, and they’re all over the place. This is one of the reasons why parents are so insecure and nervous, and dare I say sometimes neurotic, about raising children. The article says, “Psychologists warn.” There you are. Look out. Don’t do this. You ruin your kid. Are they saying, “Don’t scream at your kid”? Are they saying, “Don’t beat him”? Are they saying, “Don’t completely ignore him”? No, no, no, no, no. When we psychologists warn you about stuff, a lot of times it’s stuff you would normally do and that many people do in the normal course of parenthood. But then we’ve decided this ain’t good, because we’ve got letters after our name, you know.

The article says psychologists warn about these seven “nice” phrases, and they have that in quotes, from parents and grandparents. Here is how you create anxiety in kids. So we warn you, and then we say what you might naturally do, or what people have always done, and then we tell you, “Don’t you realize the deleterious effects?”

Now, who am I to critique an article? Well, I’m probably equal to the person who wrote it in experience anyway. It says psychologists say that the desire to protect our children and grandchildren is instinctual. Well, you don’t need psychologists to tell you that. God tells you that. Human history tells you that. Common sense tells you that. “It’s a good thing I told you that, isn’t it? That you could protect your children because that’s instinctual.” Oh, thanks.

“It feels like good parenting”

This is a woman named Dr. Amy Todey. I don’t know how to pronounce it. She’s a psychologist. Here she says, “When we caution a child, we rush to reassure them or gently nudge them away from fear or sadness, it feels like good parenting, it feels caring.” Okay, note the unspoken. It feels like it. Unspoken is, it’s not.

Dr. Todey and other psychologists warn that these phrases we use to support kids can “unintentionally,” see, that’s a scary word, you don’t even know you’re doing it, make children think the world is more threatening than it is. This is why parents are so nervous and neurotic. It’s like, man, I’m messing my kid up and I don’t even know it. Now, I agree with that part. You don’t want a kid to think the world is more threatening than it is. And if you let them watch a lot of TV, they’re going to think that, and that’s going to do a lot more damage than these phrases.

The article goes on: “As a result, they may engage in less developmentally appropriate risk taking and problem solving, which can make it harder to build their emotional resilience. They need to handle the things life throws their way.” I got that part. Yeah, our kids are a little wobbly emotionally because we so much hover over them and shield them from too many things. I used to call it, in one of my books, bulldozer parenting. That’s true. But here’s where I struggle with this: you’re not going to avoid all that just by not using these phrases. That’s just dumb.

The seven phrases

The psychologists say it’s best for parents and grandparents to steer clear of these seven “nice” phrases that can create anxiety in kids. They reveal which phrases to avoid and what to say instead, and they reveal the one phrase children need to hear more often. As far as I’m concerned, the one phrase they need to hear more often is “I love you.” But that’s okay. Let’s find out. Here’s the seven that create anxiety. It reminds me of that old bit by George Carlin, the seven things you’re not allowed to say on TV. Well, poor Carlin. He’s long since out of touch, because all those things are now said on TV relentlessly.

Be careful. Can’t say that. Nope. Don’t say “be careful.” Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I know you’ll do well. I’m proud of you. And here’s the one I most disagree with: I just want you to be happy. Well, if that’s the goal, you’re going to miss out on a lot of things more important, like virtues and contentment. You’re my whole world. Don’t say that, you realize you’re making them anxious and neurotic. And be good.

Now, one could say these are kind of fluff phrases. They don’t really mean a whole lot. “I know you’ll do well”: the kid will think, well, I don’t know if I’ll do well or not. You didn’t take the test for me. Or “I’m proud of you”: it implies you’ve got to achieve for me to be proud of you. I got the thinking behind all this. “You’re my whole world”: they’ll say that puts an enormous pressure on the kid, Atlas shrugged with the world on his shoulders. You’re none of that to your kid. I can see where some of these phrases would not be the most substantive things to say, but in terms of creating anxiety, how often do you have to say them?

By the way, if I say “be good” when I’m dropping him off at grandma’s house, what if I’m implying you need to be good for grandma or else I’m going to do something about it? That could be my code phrase, right? But I know what they’re saying. They’re saying “be good” implies that I really don’t expect you to be good, or it implies that to get my approval you have to be good. Or worse, “good” is a value word, right? You say it this way: have acceptable behavior, make good choices.

“I’m right here with you”

All right, let me finish it up here. The one phrase that you should tell kids, really? “I’m right here with you.” Hmm. Well, I could see that with kids who are down and out, or feeling sad or unsure, threatened, bullied, whatever it is. Yeah, I got your back. I’m with you. That’s great. I like that one a lot. I’m not sure I’d say it to a four-year-old who’s melting down and kicking stuff. “I’m right here with you.” I wonder what they do about that one.

She closes with this: “Kids need to feel grounded in connection and attunement.” Who talks like that? “This phrase tells them they’re not handling the moment alone and that their feelings make sense and are valid.” Well, my feeling that I want to punch my brother in the head, I don’t think makes a whole lot of sense, and I don’t think it’s valid. It’s not a good feeling. “Well, no, Dr. Ray, that’s not what they’re saying. They’re saying the anger makes sense.” Does it? Does anger make sense when it’s based upon a situation that really shouldn’t foster anger? My little sister just burped, so I’m angry at her. That anger doesn’t make sense there.

So this is why I close. This is why so many parents are getting so neurotic about raising kids. This is a classic example of all the stuff we experts warn you against. And if you don’t listen to us, don’t blame me. If your kids are going to be on Springer, I tried to tell you. I’m done. And I know you folks will call in. You’ll do well, and I’ll be proud of you when you call in. You’re my whole show. So be careful and be good.

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If parenting advice like this leaves you doubting yourself, Dr. Ray talks about that in You’re a Better Parent Than You Think!

Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.

If my teen understands why I do what I do, will she agree? Dr. Ray says understanding does not equal agreement, and explains why that is such a frustration for parents.

“She does understand. She doesn’t like it.”

A parent will be in my office, say for example with a teen, and the parent will lament, “I wish I could just get her to understand why we do what we do. We’re not trying to be mean, we’re trying to raise her well. I just don’t think she understands. And if she understood, I think our parenting would be easier. I’d have more peace at the house.”

At that point I might turn to the young lady or young man and say, “Would you explain in your own words, for the court, why your mother does what she does? Why your mother, for example, won’t let you have a smartphone yet?” And at that point the kid will take up the mantle, turn to Mom, and with articulation far superior to my own say, “I know that you believe I’m just trying to be difficult, and I realize you’re not trying to be difficult. I realize you want to do what is good for me, and this will help me a lot as I get older. I see the way some of my friends are being raised and it’s not good. Even though I want to do what they want to do and you’re stopping me, in the long run I’m probably going to appreciate it.” And she goes on and on, explaining her understanding of why her mother does what she does, probably more perfectly than the mother could.

At that point, I keep smelling salts in my top-left drawer. I go to Mom and put them underneath her nose and arouse her after she’s fainted on the floor. And I ask Mom, “What do you think?” Mom says, “I don’t believe it. She seems to totally understand.” And I say, “You thought she was not being cooperative or battling you because she didn’t understand?” “Yes. I thought if she understood, she’d at least be more agreeable about this stuff.” “Well, do you think she understands now?” “Well, unless she was just mouthing the words, at least she seems to understand what I’ve been trying to tell her.” I said, “Well, Mom, you are absolutely right. She does understand. She doesn’t like it and she doesn’t agree with it. There’s where the problem is.”

“Understanding does not equal agreement”

This is kind of like the old philosophers who thought that if you had proper knowledge, you would have proper conduct. This is where I think Christianity corrected them. Proper knowledge does not necessarily lead to proper conduct, because self-interest is involved, or fallen human nature, as we Christians would call it. I can have all the knowledge in the world. I can know completely and totally why I shouldn’t smoke. I can recite a beautiful dissertation on all the problems of smoking and still smoke. “So, Dr. Ray, that’s different. That’s a physical addiction.” But I can recite all the reasons why I should forgive my mother-in-law and still not do it. Understanding does not equal agreement.

I think that’s a frustration for parents so much. They’ll say, “How do I get him to listen? How do I get him to see?” Well, you get him to listen and see by telling them. But the next step is not that it’s going to be all fixed. Many people will say, “My mother-in-law, I just can’t get her to understand why I homeschool or why I’m raising my kids the way I am. She’s always got comments. How do I get her to understand?” I go, she probably can understand. She just doesn’t like it. That’s very different. I think it’s much easier to make somebody understand than it is to agree, if they don’t want to agree.

I can understand all kinds of things. If somebody says to me, “I believe that a woman can choose whether to kill that baby in her womb or not,” I can understand their logic, however flawed I think it is. I can understand it. I don’t agree with it. I can understand why kids decide when they’re 19 years old to drift from the faith. I don’t accept it or like it. That seems to be a misconception that’s so prominent now: if I can get someone to understand me, they’ll be more open to agreeing with me. Maybe. But if in the end they don’t want to agree with you, no matter how much they understand why you think and do the way you do, then that’s not going to happen. That’s so hard for us to accept.

Now, I can understand why you don’t accept it, but I don’t agree with why you don’t accept it. So I understand why the folks at EWTN and Ave Maria say, “I’ve got to take a break right now.” Okay, they’ve got to have breaks. They’ve got certain time cues they have to have. I got that part. I don’t agree with it! I said I don’t want to take a break. I’ve got more to say.

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For parents of teens who understand the rules and still push back, Dr. Ray’s book Standing Strong: Good Discipline Makes Great Teens is a good place to go next.

Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.

Is it actually good to parent your kids a little less? Dr. Ray reads from an article on “mindful underparenting,” looks at what parents say they want most for their children, and adds a story about boredom.

“I just want them to be happy”

This was sent to me by Janet Clark. Some of you might know she has been, many, many times, especially in the northeastern Ohio area, my role-play co-actress in the different things we do on “Living Right with Dr. Ray.” We usually have an informal role play to try to make some point about life or living.

Let me preface this. I was watching a sitcom once, and the parent, when talking to the spouse about her desire for her kids, said, “I want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy.” At the time, of course, I can’t shut my mouth. I make these comments, which probably drives my wife crazy. I’ve got to make psychological comments. I said, “Happy. So that’s the priority here, happy.” And I thought to myself, I wonder, if I pay attention, how many of the programs we watch on TV, if the topic comes up, have a parent saying, “I just want my kids to be happy.”

Well, I have been confirmed, well, not sacramentally, in my observation. A recent Pew Center study reports that parents want above all else for their children financial independence and a satisfying job. Okay, that’s one and two. Graduating from college was a distant third. Getting married and having children of their own, according to this article, and I like the way they said this, pulled up the rear. Being moral, finding meaning in life, or practicing a religion did not appear on the list of priorities.

How is this relevant? Well, when you compare it to other survey data, which basically says that our young people, the Gen Z years and maybe the Millennials, have the highest recorded rates of anxiety and depression of any group surveyed, the article says: with such external and materialistic aspirations for their children, it is not surprising, though it’s a sad irony, that these same parents reported they are most worried about their children’s mental health. These same parents want financial independence and a satisfying job first and foremost for their kids, with getting married way, way, way down, and being moral, finding meaning in life, religion, not even showing up on the radar.

“Parents should ignore their children more often”

This is an interesting suggestion by a psychologist named Darby Saxbe. I said “the guy,” but, sorry about that, Darby is female. Boy, this is really bad for the gentle parenting folk. Quote: “Parents should ignore their children more often.” Now, this makes for an ear-catching phrase, but here’s what she means. Not so much that the kids should be ignored, as that they be de-centered. She argues that today’s frantic, child-centered, helicopter parenting is, quote, “based on assumptions about what our children need to thrive that are not supported by evidence from most of human history until the last few decades.” Parents practiced what she calls “mindful underparenting.”

Now, this allows kids to, quote, “spend lots of time with their parents but not usually as the parents’ primary focus, sometimes bored, sometimes engaged.” I’m quoting her now. These kids spend much of their time observing adults doing adult things. Now, this is a shocker, and I can see this. She says, quote, “Your average daycare is probably closer to the average historical childhood experience than today’s overstimulated boy or girl at the center of attention.” Whoo.

Let’s see if there’s anything else she says. They go on to talk about how kids observe us, and we are still the greatest influence. It says here, “The good news is that among all possible influences, parents exert far and away the greatest influence on their children’s religious outcomes.” Well, let me qualify that. If they so intentionally do, they can exert the greatest possible influence. All right, there you go. There’s a lot more she says, but let’s leave it at that.

“Children need boring time”

By the way, just as a P.S. here, my second book was called “Back to the Family,” and we interviewed strong families in all 50 states. We were talking about spending time with your kids, and one mother observed, she said, “Children need boring time. They need to have time just to look at stuff, not the computer screen, outside stuff, curiosity stuff. They need time.”

One time I said this to a priest from Africa. We were talking about raising kids, and I said, “A lot of parents hear from their children, ‘I’m bored.’” He looked at me, puzzled. He said, “What is that word?” I said, “Bored.” He says, “Yes?” I said, “Well, it means kind of like you don’t really have anything to do.” And then he said, “How could you not have anything to do?” They did not have a word in his language, in his tribal language, for “boring.” Interesting, isn’t it?

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On the question of what parents should put first, Dr. Ray’s book Raising Upright Kids in an Upside-Down World picks it up.

Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.