Why is it so hard to say “I’m sorry”? Dr. Ray says many people find it easier to act nice than to apologize, and he tells how a florist figured out his flowers.
“It is easier to talk nice than to do nice”
Most of the time when we want to sound charitable or kind or nice, we talk nice. “Hey, I saw your yard there, and those oak trees nearby just clog up your flower beds. That looks like a real labor. Give me a call, I’ll get over there and help you out. Let me know.” “How long has it been since we’ve gotten together for lunch? Two, three years, right? Oh boy, one thing leads to another. Give me a call or I’ll give you a call, and we’ll have some lunch and catch up on things.” That’s nice stuff. I’m going to help him out with his leaves, and reconnect socially. It’s easy to talk that way. My intent is to be nice, be sociable, be kind.
And then, three days later, the phone rings, and it’s the guy with the leaves. Thank heavens for caller ID. I wonder how many times I’m going to be able to duck his phone call. I just don’t have the time to get over there. It’s been six weeks since I said I’d call him for lunch, and he’s probably forgotten about it by now. It is easier to talk nice than to do nice, and forgive me for using the word nice, such a fluffy word, but it suits our purposes right now.
Acting sorry versus saying sorry
There’s one area that seems to be reversed, and that is apologies. For many people it is easier to act nice than to say “I’m sorry.” Acting sorry comes more naturally than saying “I’m sorry.” “I’m more complimentary now, or toned down, or calmer. I’m going to show you that I want to move on from what happened yesterday in our argument. Maybe I should apologize, but it’s too hard to apologize. So I’m going to be a much nicer person the next few days to show you that I’m past it, and let’s just move forward.”
I went to a florist and said I’d like a rose and a carnation, trying to be really cool, because I read those books, trying to be sensitive. He said roses are for love and a carnation is for friendship, or whatever that means. And she said, “What did you do?” “What do you mean?” “When guys come in here and order flowers and it’s not a special occasion or a birthday, they’re usually saying I’m sorry.” “Well, that might be other guys, but not me and my wife. We have a very easygoing, transparent type relationship.” I’ll just have the flowers there. It’s not like you could prove it wrong.
I got home like a little kid with the flowers behind my back. Little seven-year-olds go into the neighboring field and pick a bunch of stinkweeds and bring them home in a bouquet behind their backs, and moms are supposed to go, “Oh, isn’t that precious,” and then you can’t wait till the kid goes to sleep so you throw them out. So I had it behind my back. I said, “Honey,” and she came in, and I put the flowers out right there. And she said, “What did you do?” And I said, “Did you ever work for a florist?”
Say it, then do it
It’s easy to act as though you’re apologetic. It’s a lot harder to say the words. The best situation is to do both: say “I’m sorry,” and then put a little more effort into acting better. If you just act better, I suppose you’re counting on time to smooth everything over. “It’s been three days and I’ve been pretty nice the last three days. I emptied the dishwasher, gave a couple of extra kisses before I left. I guess that’s kind of a nonverbal ‘I’m sorry,’ isn’t it?” Sorry seems to be the one area where it is easier to act better than to say better.
Dr. Ray covers repairing everyday friction in How to Get Along with Almost Everybody.
Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.