Which everyday phrases make kids anxious, and are parents getting too neurotic about them? Dr. Ray reacts to an article in which a psychologist warns against seven common phrases, and tells you where he agrees and where he does not.
“Psychologists warn”
This is one of my problems with these articles, and they’re all over the place. This is one of the reasons why parents are so insecure and nervous, and dare I say sometimes neurotic, about raising children. The article says, “Psychologists warn.” There you are. Look out. Don’t do this. You ruin your kid. Are they saying, “Don’t scream at your kid”? Are they saying, “Don’t beat him”? Are they saying, “Don’t completely ignore him”? No, no, no, no, no. When we psychologists warn you about stuff, a lot of times it’s stuff you would normally do and that many people do in the normal course of parenthood. But then we’ve decided this ain’t good, because we’ve got letters after our name, you know.
The article says psychologists warn about these seven “nice” phrases, and they have that in quotes, from parents and grandparents. Here is how you create anxiety in kids. So we warn you, and then we say what you might naturally do, or what people have always done, and then we tell you, “Don’t you realize the deleterious effects?”
Now, who am I to critique an article? Well, I’m probably equal to the person who wrote it in experience anyway. It says psychologists say that the desire to protect our children and grandchildren is instinctual. Well, you don’t need psychologists to tell you that. God tells you that. Human history tells you that. Common sense tells you that. “It’s a good thing I told you that, isn’t it? That you could protect your children because that’s instinctual.” Oh, thanks.
“It feels like good parenting”
This is a woman named Dr. Amy Todey. I don’t know how to pronounce it. She’s a psychologist. Here she says, “When we caution a child, we rush to reassure them or gently nudge them away from fear or sadness, it feels like good parenting, it feels caring.” Okay, note the unspoken. It feels like it. Unspoken is, it’s not.
Dr. Todey and other psychologists warn that these phrases we use to support kids can “unintentionally,” see, that’s a scary word, you don’t even know you’re doing it, make children think the world is more threatening than it is. This is why parents are so nervous and neurotic. It’s like, man, I’m messing my kid up and I don’t even know it. Now, I agree with that part. You don’t want a kid to think the world is more threatening than it is. And if you let them watch a lot of TV, they’re going to think that, and that’s going to do a lot more damage than these phrases.
The article goes on: “As a result, they may engage in less developmentally appropriate risk taking and problem solving, which can make it harder to build their emotional resilience. They need to handle the things life throws their way.” I got that part. Yeah, our kids are a little wobbly emotionally because we so much hover over them and shield them from too many things. I used to call it, in one of my books, bulldozer parenting. That’s true. But here’s where I struggle with this: you’re not going to avoid all that just by not using these phrases. That’s just dumb.
The seven phrases
The psychologists say it’s best for parents and grandparents to steer clear of these seven “nice” phrases that can create anxiety in kids. They reveal which phrases to avoid and what to say instead, and they reveal the one phrase children need to hear more often. As far as I’m concerned, the one phrase they need to hear more often is “I love you.” But that’s okay. Let’s find out. Here’s the seven that create anxiety. It reminds me of that old bit by George Carlin, the seven things you’re not allowed to say on TV. Well, poor Carlin. He’s long since out of touch, because all those things are now said on TV relentlessly.
Be careful. Can’t say that. Nope. Don’t say “be careful.” Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I know you’ll do well. I’m proud of you. And here’s the one I most disagree with: I just want you to be happy. Well, if that’s the goal, you’re going to miss out on a lot of things more important, like virtues and contentment. You’re my whole world. Don’t say that, you realize you’re making them anxious and neurotic. And be good.
Now, one could say these are kind of fluff phrases. They don’t really mean a whole lot. “I know you’ll do well”: the kid will think, well, I don’t know if I’ll do well or not. You didn’t take the test for me. Or “I’m proud of you”: it implies you’ve got to achieve for me to be proud of you. I got the thinking behind all this. “You’re my whole world”: they’ll say that puts an enormous pressure on the kid, Atlas shrugged with the world on his shoulders. You’re none of that to your kid. I can see where some of these phrases would not be the most substantive things to say, but in terms of creating anxiety, how often do you have to say them?
By the way, if I say “be good” when I’m dropping him off at grandma’s house, what if I’m implying you need to be good for grandma or else I’m going to do something about it? That could be my code phrase, right? But I know what they’re saying. They’re saying “be good” implies that I really don’t expect you to be good, or it implies that to get my approval you have to be good. Or worse, “good” is a value word, right? You say it this way: have acceptable behavior, make good choices.
“I’m right here with you”
All right, let me finish it up here. The one phrase that you should tell kids, really? “I’m right here with you.” Hmm. Well, I could see that with kids who are down and out, or feeling sad or unsure, threatened, bullied, whatever it is. Yeah, I got your back. I’m with you. That’s great. I like that one a lot. I’m not sure I’d say it to a four-year-old who’s melting down and kicking stuff. “I’m right here with you.” I wonder what they do about that one.
She closes with this: “Kids need to feel grounded in connection and attunement.” Who talks like that? “This phrase tells them they’re not handling the moment alone and that their feelings make sense and are valid.” Well, my feeling that I want to punch my brother in the head, I don’t think makes a whole lot of sense, and I don’t think it’s valid. It’s not a good feeling. “Well, no, Dr. Ray, that’s not what they’re saying. They’re saying the anger makes sense.” Does it? Does anger make sense when it’s based upon a situation that really shouldn’t foster anger? My little sister just burped, so I’m angry at her. That anger doesn’t make sense there.
So this is why I close. This is why so many parents are getting so neurotic about raising kids. This is a classic example of all the stuff we experts warn you against. And if you don’t listen to us, don’t blame me. If your kids are going to be on Springer, I tried to tell you. I’m done. And I know you folks will call in. You’ll do well, and I’ll be proud of you when you call in. You’re my whole show. So be careful and be good.
If parenting advice like this leaves you doubting yourself, Dr. Ray talks about that in You’re a Better Parent Than You Think!
Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.