Is my child really strong-willed? Dr. Ray explains why he thinks “strong-willed” is the most overused and misleading label parents put on kids. He covers why it exploded and what he suggests a parent do first if they are convinced they have one.
“The most common adjective leveled at children”
I have come to the conclusion that the most common adjective leveled at children, pretty much of all ages, is also a very misleading one. It’s an unfair one, in most cases. What word am I alluding to? Strong-willed.
Years ago, James Dobson, psychologist for Focus on the Family, wrote the book The Strong-Willed Child. I think it was in the 80s, maybe even the 70s. Of course, most people think they have at least one strong-willed child.
Now, why do I think that adjective is so misleading, so heavily overused? And by the way, it has variants. He is so oppositional. She has a mind of her own. Very high maintenance. Challenging child, very challenging child. Seven going on 17. We have a difficult child, according to our pediatrician. Difficult child, folks, is redundant.
So why did these words explode? My mother-in-law had five children, one of them my wife. She said to my wife one time, “I don’t remember talking with other parents when I was raising the kids about how difficult and challenging and strong-willed the kids were.” And I said, “Ma, I think that’s a new phenomenon.”
Why the label exploded
Let me give you a couple of reasons. One is the onslaught of experts giving you all their theories and notions about how you are to talk to children and be gentle with children and reason with children and use I-messages and not U-messages and use sticker systems and set up win-win scenarios. When you try doing these things, they may work for a small percentage of kids. I’m not saying they don’t, but they don’t work for the majority of kids at all.
And it looks like the kids are unusually difficult. If this stuff isn’t working, you obviously don’t have a normal child. You’ve got somebody a little more stubborn, a little more strong-willed, a little more challenging, a little more oppositional, a little mind of her own.
I’m not saying you don’t be gentle with a kid, of course you do, but you have to have authority, calm, quiet, confident authority. And if you don’t, the kid’s going to be very difficult for you. There’s just no question about that. It is a direct relationship. He is going to be pushy, challenging, contrary, argumentative. Excuse me for saying “he,” but most behavioral problems are boys.
Second, much of the time when parents come into my office, I ask them, “Do you think you have a strong-willed child?” Oh yes, very, the strongest will of all my children. My other children are not like this. What’s the school say? They don’t see any of this. He’s there six hours. That teacher doesn’t have a fraction of your authority. So how is it that the teacher gets cooperation, thinks he’s a delight, loves having him in class, and you think he’s strong-willed?
Third, to quote G.K. Chesterton, fallen human nature, or sin nature, I forget what Chesterton called it, is the one doctrine of Christianity that has abundant empirical evidence. Abundant.
“The strongest will of my kids was not stronger than his mother”
So those are some explanations. There’s more. The biggest one is basically parents. I had ten children. I didn’t consider any of them strong-willed. Am I delusional? No, I think there’s a straightforward explanation. The strongest will of my kids was not stronger willed than his mother. That’s it.
Yes, they varied in their strength of will. Of course they do. They vary in the way they challenge. They vary in the way they learn from experience. Some go to the corner twice, and that’s it. Others go to the corner 264 times and go, “Hey, wait a minute. So you’re saying if I do that, I’m going to go to the corner? Aha! I get it now.”
Now, are there strong-willed children? Yes, but I haven’t seen many of them in my career. If you want me to put a percentage on it, under 1 percent. There are those who are just bound and determined, bent on resisting rules and limits no matter how good their parents are.
But many of the parents who come into my office think they’re very good at disciplining, and this kid is just hell-bent on challenging them. As we talk over the hour or two or however long the sessions are, we find out there’s a lot they could be doing differently. Not because they’re bad people, but because they’ve been making some bad moves in handling this kid. That’s all. Then they tell me two, three, four weeks later, and I ask, “Do you think he’s still strong-willed?” Well, I’m not sure I’d use that word anymore.
If you think you have a strong-willed kid, if you’re convinced of it, the first thing you do is size up your own parenting. You say, “Okay, wait a minute. I think I’m a good disciplinarian. I think I’m consistent. I think I follow through. I think I have standards.” Okay, I’m not going to argue with any of that. But typically, and maybe you need some help sorting through it, you can either come to a guy like me as a client, or you can pick up one of my parenting books that will explain all this and help you realize, “Wait a minute, there are things I could be doing differently, and then let’s see if he’s still so strong-willed.”
For the discipline basics behind all this, Dr. Ray’s book Discipline That Lasts a Lifetime is a good place to start.
Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.
