Category: Psychology

Why do therapists avoid saying a child’s behavior is wrong? Dr. Ray recalls the “non-judgmental” language he was trained to use and says it follows from leaving God out of the picture.

“Inappropriate” instead of “wrong”

I didn’t catch this when I was in grad school, because I was at one of those points in my life where I had one foot strongly planted in the psychological narrative about many things and one foot in my faith. I would have been more sensitive to this, except I wasn’t. How’s that for an explanation? The language we were told to use, the language that was the coin of the realm, was to be non-judgmental. You didn’t tell a child that punching his brother was wrong. That’s judgmental. You were to say that’s inappropriate or unacceptable. That was the language you were to use, not only with kids but with adults.

So your 17-year-old daughter believes that you leaving your wife and her four siblings is just unacceptable, inappropriate, a bad choice, a mistake. You always wanted to go to confession: “Bless me, Father, mistakes were made.” You couldn’t use “wrong.” You couldn’t use “bad.” Those were such judgmental words. It’s like kicking a puppy. Unacceptable? I think it’s pretty bad, actually. And what if you’re in Boston and you’re rooting for the New York Yankees? That’s really bad. That’s not just inappropriate. “Bless me, Father, for I have made some inappropriate choices.”

Why the language changed

Part of the reason that language gained prominence was that we didn’t give much acknowledgment to God. He was sort of quietly shunted off to the side. He really didn’t have a part in our therapy. We recognized that some of our unenlightened clients might still believe in God, might still guide their lives by his suggestions. That is, not his commandments. That’s kind of overbearing. His options, the Ten Options. So we didn’t use words like “wrong.” Who’s to say what wrong is?

Furthermore, with the self-esteem movement gaining momentum, if you say someone’s behavior is wrong or bad, you’re kind of digging up their self-esteem. If you say their behavior is inappropriate, that certainly takes away the stinger of doing something wrong to another person. But now, the ice pick in your sister’s arm: poor choice, unacceptable. Listen to young parents talk to their preschool children. I guarantee you, on a ratio of about 10 to one, you will hear “unacceptable,” “inappropriate,” “bad choices,” before you hear “wrong.” “What you did was very, very wrong” just stings of judgmentalism, doesn’t it?

“If there is no God, you can’t say it’s wrong”

You’ve got to figure it this way. If there is no God, and the mental health professions by and large tend to drift toward either no God, or they reconstruct him in a more psychologically acceptable image, then you really can’t say that something is wrong. How do you say it’s wrong? You say it’s socially unacceptable by current standards, or by current agreed-upon legalities or societal opinions. It just goes against the reigning psychological conduct standards, I guess.

Leaving your wife and kids is wrong. Why is that? “Because… why? I don’t think it’s wrong. I’m unhappy, I’m miserable, I found somebody better. How could that be wrong? I want to be happy.” You can’t say that’s wrong. If there’s no God, the guy’s got a point. He really does. It’s pretty much a societal standard. “Yeah, I made a commitment, sort of, at one time, but so what?” “It’s wrong to break a commitment.” No, you can’t say that. Says who? When he made the commitment he wasn’t thinking ahead. He didn’t think he’d meet somebody else. He didn’t think his wife would be so difficult to live with. You can’t say it’s wrong. It’s maybe going to have unexpected consequences.

Without God, most behavior is unacceptable or inappropriate if it’s negative. But if there is a God, you can probably still use “wrong” and “bad,” and those are good words. Those are acceptable words.

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Dr. Ray looks at how psychology looks different when you take God seriously in Jesus, The Master Psychologist: Listen to Him.

Transcript of Dr. Ray’s audio blog, lightly edited for reading.