FORCED CONTACT

Ah, sweet parental revenge. During the first nine or ten years of life, in public the kids embarrass us. After that, we embarrass them. "Ah, c'mon, Dad, don't wear the shirt with the feathers again; Mom, please don't wave to me when other people are looking; Just drop me off here. I'll walk the last couple miles."

Listening to grandparents and older, I've come to believe that the great adolescent aversion to being with us dorky grown ups is as much cultural as developmental, if not more so. In the not so distant past, double digit age did not so routinely predict resistance to public parental contact. Only as life for kids has become more frenetic and entertaining has the competition for what used to be family time exploded. I mean, why should Freeman want to go out to eat with his mother―a high level treat a few generations back―when he can opt for home, call friends, surf the TV, play computer games, and then get picked up by Harley, who has a bigger TV, 3-D video games, and a cute sister who also stayed home to avoid being with her parents. In short, it's not always that your kids aren't pulled to be with you, it's that the pull to be elsewhere is much stronger. As the entertainment options expand with age, and nowadays they do so exponentially, former top ten pick―being with mom and pop―drops to #47.

Many experts solemnly intone: It is normal and healthy for adolescents to progressively separate from adults and to assert their desires in the development of independence, or some such psycho-verbiage. I'll bet their kids don't want to be with them either. Certainly some separating is natural. But how is it that we have come to label wanting to spend little time with one's parents as healthy, psychologically speaking? Further, just because something is natural doesn't mean it's welcome or even always good. It also doesn't mean you have to passively stand back and let it dictate family life.

But so what if Freeman would rather be elsewhere than with you? What would you gain by forcing him to attend his little sister's Christmas play, or to visit elderly Aunt Agatha, the lady who always cries when she sees how big he's getting and who wants to hug and kiss him goodbye and give him a dollar? I mean, how much trauma can he take?

The answer depends on what you want to teach. If you don't mind that Freeman always chooses adolescent freedom over family, then let him pursue his pursuits. Someday he'll probably pass through this phase, although in the meantime don't listen to the song "Cat's in the Cradle," it could make you nervous. On the other hand, if you want to teach Freeman that, like it nor not, some things are more important than entertaining yourself, then at times you do need to insist he go your way instead of his. Gee, is it hard to figure out which direction I lean? You don't have to be a shrink to read between these lines. Well, you might say, we do spend time together at home. True, but if you're like most families, even home time is at a premium. Why give teens the authority to decide to reduce further what little family time you already have? More important, not all lessons in character are taught at home. A visit to Aunt Mary's, however boring in modern society's measure, can teach manners, sacrifice, respect for elders, and compassion.

Is all this to suggest that you hog tie your kids and drag them kicking and screaming everywhere you go? Would you even want to do that to you? I don't think so. I do think, however, that you need to judge each together time on its merits, and not on whether your kids want it. Believe it or not, sometimes good times occur because parents insist on it. Once past their initial resistance, the kids find this isn't all so bad, assuming of course you change that shirt and don't do anything too uncool, like snort when you laugh. And, even if your children don't cooperate now, chances are they'll see it differently some day. Many young adults have told me how grateful they are for those times of forced family contact, as forever memories were made.

There's an unexpected bonus to one sided togetherness. The kids will be so ecstatic whenever they don't have to be with you, they'll probably do just about anything to earn freedom, even be nice to you in public.