CAR TROUBLE

A car is the average American's first choice for transportation. It's the average parent's last choice, if it comes equipped with kids, anyway. To be perfectly fair to cars, they don't start out on parents' bad sides. Just ask any semi-comatose parent of a colicky infant who knows peace only when endlessly circling the block at 3:00 A.M., with Bliss finally conked out in the car seat. Cars become the seat of family friction about the time kids become old enough to get bored in back seats, ask forty questions per minute with gusts up to sixty, and do vicious things like look at each other.

Minivans have added new roadblocks to trouble-free travel. Perched four feet or more from the driver, a minivan's rear seats are safely beyond parental reach. And, to a child, four feet of discipline distance in a moving vehicle is equal to twelve miles on land. Mario really only fears your stopping the car, and given that there's no berm on the interstate, the likelihood of that is miniscule.

In short, kids feel relatively safe in cars. They know that your discipline options decrease with every mile per hour increase in speed. True, they might fear your consequences upon arrival, but several factors keep their fear from curtailing their rowdiness. One, discipline is literally at some point down the road. The more the miles, the less the deterrent. Two, the kids figure they've got time for you to cool down. That's why they start acting civilized a few hundred yards from journey's end. And three, chances are there will be people where you're headed. Children count on your reluctance to make a scene by disciplining them in front of those other nice people. I mean, how bad can kids really act in car seats or seat belts? Anybody who asks this is the same kind of person who asks, "How much damage can a little earthquake do?"

In keeping any vehicle running smoothly, preventive maintenance is a key. Consider keeping a small bag of books, toys, and games in the car to occupy time. Play the alphabet game. Race through the alphabet by finding each letter on signs as you drive. The winner gets to drive―just kidding. How about age-appropriate trivia: Name three candy bars that begin with "M"; What's the most common car color? How far away is that bridge?

Certainly not all discipline trouble can be headed off. Therefore, here are some discipline options. Most are based upon a standard discipline law: When you can't discipline, discipline when you can, meaning, if you aren't able to respond immediately to car trouble, fix the trouble when you do stop.
 

1. When chauffeuring the kids―to a party, swimming, a restaurant, shopping―tell them before departing what level of peace you expect, and that you will turn the car around if you don't get it. Whether you head home for the day or only for a time before trying again is your decision, based upon things like the level of car chaos or the distance from the house. What if you had previously agreed to transport? Is this going back on your word? I think not. Transportation is a privilege not a right. Privileges need to be treated well or they are lost.

2. "If you don't stop that right now, I'm going to pull this car over" has been threatened by so many parents in so many cars that it has lost power. And that's too bad, because it's a good option. If you can find a safe place, pull over and sit. This will idle away valuable time from the kids' swimming, party, or whatever. Require several minutes of quiet before moving on. You can pull over as often as you choose or simply once, heading for home the second time trouble starts.

3. Deduct travel time. For example, if you endured seventeen minutes of chaos this trip, the next trip will be delayed an hour. Don't forget. Thus far, we've talked about driving where the kids want to go. What if they don't want to go―to school, grocery shopping, a "boring" relative's house, the psychologist? The above rules still apply; the consequences may have to be more delayed.

4. At the start of each trip, the kids get, say, three tickets. Every infraction costs a ticket. Each lost ticket leads to some consequence: ten minutes sitting time, twenty-five sentences written, twenty-five-cent fine. You could also reverse this and hand out tickets for infractions. Consequences are served upon arrival if possible, or later at home.

If tickets are a hassle, use words: "A. J., every time I say your name, you'll have to do X when we get to the ______ or home." The key to turning off car trouble is to abandon the misperception that to be effective discipline has to be immediate. This is an ideal state of affairs applicable mainly to toddlers and preschoolers. Discipline fast becomes logistically more complicated as kids get older. That is why it is far better to do something, even if at a later time and place, than to do nothing simply because the moment of nastiness was six miles ago.

If all else fails, you can fall back on a particularly cruel technique. You could tune the radio to your music and sing robustly, proclaiming wistfully, "Now, that's music." You'll probably send the kids into a catatonic state, but don't worry, they'll snap out of it once they escape out of the car and tell their friends how bizarre you are.