Dr. Ray Guarendi, clinical psychologist, author, speaker, radio host, and family advocate

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ASKING FOR TROUBLE

Dear Dr. Ray,

As a grandmother, I think too many parents these days are asking their children to cooperate rather than simply telling them what they expect. It sounds like they’re constantly negotiating with their children.

Asking Your Opinion

Some years back, three of my children attended the same preschool class. Arriving a few minutes early to pick them up was wise, for a couple of reasons. One, I could observe the other parents for possible material to write about. Two, I could better ensure that my kids didn’t have too much time to misbehave in front of everybody. After all, if my kids act bad in public, I could lose business.

What I heard confirms your sentiment. Routinely parents would query their kids: “Are you ready to go now?” “Come on, let’s put your coat on, OK?” “Why don’t you say goodbye to your teacher, al right?”

Now such questioning, even it it’s a habit, provides nowhere near enough evidence to consider a diagnosis of parentus maximus wimpus. In fact, I would guess that most of these parents were just wanting to convey a pleasant, “Let’s cooperate … OK?” tone. To the extent that they got cooperation, I would never question their style, do you understand?

What I saw from the kids, however, was not cooperation. It wasn’t an attitude of “Why thank you, Mother, for asking so sweetly. It just makes me want to listen all the more.” Instead, I saw a reaction of “You’re not really all that serious, are you?”

Putting expectations into question form is appealing. It does sound rather gentle and less “bossy.” It sort of conveys a “let’s all get along” approach. Overall it just makes us parents seem like nicer people, don’t you think?

But traps lie beneath the surface benefits. One, questions invite resistance. If Sherlock takes our question literally, he could respond, “No, I’m not ready to go now. It’s not our coat. It’s my coat. You can put yours on if you want. And I don’t feel like saying goodbye to my teacher, got it?”

Two, this sort of “question discipline” sends a message most parents don’t mean to send. It makes expectations that are really nonnegotiable sound open to discussion. I mean, does Taylor really have a choice about putting on his coat and leaving?

Three, and this is potentially the biggest danger, if a child senses, even incorrectly, that a parent may not mean what he or she says, the child will likely ignore or resist the request, thus pushing the parent into command mode. In and of themselves, commands are not bad. The trouble comes from the struggle now to get cooperation, after implying initially it wasn’t all that important. This then leads to frustration, emotions, and volume.

In essence, question discipline can easily evolve into bossy, mean discipline, the very thing the parent unconsciously may have been trying to avoid in the first place.

Certainly every mom and dad has the right to discipline as they see fit. And question discipline can work for some kids - mostly the sweet-natured Chastity and Oxford types.

Overall, though, my experience is that it’s better quietly, confidently to state your expectations from the very start. It leaves little room for doubt. It reinforces your role as authority. In the long run, it really is a nicer way to discipline.

So why don’t we all just try to do a little better on this, OK?