IF YOU HANDLE A SITUATION WELL,
YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR WILL
IMMEDIATELY IMPROVE
Or "We've tried everything and nothing works. "

How often I hear these words. They are the lament of defeated parents. As parents describe how they've spanked, reasoned with, ignored, and denied their child every privilege except breathing, I often find that along the way they tried things that would have worked quite well—if they had used them regularly enough or stuck with them long enough. They mistakenly assumed that had they found the proper approach, life would surely have become more tolerable by now. If only they could figure out the perfect line of reasoning, deny just the right privilege, or reinforce the exact behavior, Ripley wouldn't tell lies anymore, Gloria would keep her room clean enough to find the bed, and Dusty would like baths.

This kind of reasoning undermines an ingredient crucial to effective parenting—persistence—because it convinces you to give up too quickly. Pinball parenting, or bouncing from idea to idea looking for the one that will put you instantly in control, only makes you feel less in control. You start to grope for answers, feeling at a total loss as to where to turn next. Then a self-defeating cycle begins. As a problem behavior gets worse, you become frustrated and impatient. You're prone to drop an idea because it isn't working fast enough. But every time you give up, the problem only becomes more stubbornly entrenched. Then you get even more frustrated, more impatient, and less willing to stick with anything ... and on and on. This cycle can quickly bruise your image of yourself as a smart parent. Surely a smarter parent would have matters under control sooner.

Although it would be nice to take command of a situation with a few well-phrased or perfectly timed strategies, you just can't count on it. I humbly learned this lesson some years ago at the hands of a five-year-old. After I had finished playing a softball game, this youngster walked up behind me and began taking practice swings at the back of my legs with a baseball bat. Now, I've always been allergic to wood colliding with my body at twenty-five miles per hour, so I bent down and said, "Hey, that's not cool. Enough of that." My teammates immediately saw their chance: "Big-time, big-city psychologist. `That's not cool. Enough of that.' A true pro with kids." My reputation was at stake, so I racked my brains for the flawless response to a baseball-bat wielding five-year-old. Exuding professionalism, I bent back down and tried again: "You know, I won't let you hit me with that bat. I'll just walk away because I don't like being hit. But I'll tell you what, if you put the bat down, I've got a ball and we can play catch." I felt sure that I had covered a range of appropriate responses, and I expected to be in charge any second. But I guess the little guy hadn't read the same books I had, because after my mini-speech he just looked at me unruffled and said, "Stuff it, Jerkface," and walked away.

Needless to say, my confrontation with the unknown ballplayer did little to enhance my professional reputation. But it did impactfully impress upon me this: Don't make the mistake of grading your technique after one, or even several, tries. You can deal with a situation beautifully, and it may still blow up in your face. One-shot tries, or brief intense spurts of trying an idea, are usually not enough to bring on desired results. Finding good ideas is only the first step, very often the easiest. Staying with your ideas is the part that can push you to the limits of your parenthood. Happily, most kids respond fairly quickly to a good approach consistently used. Some kids, however, are experts at outlasting their parents. They have learned that, no matter what happens, if they put up enough fuss, their parents will eventually relent and try something else, or maybe try nothing else, giving up altogether. If this is your youngster's style, you'd better be prepared to be part parent and part bulldog, for you will need to stick with any approach for a long time.

You’re a Better Parent Than You Think! Pages 21-23
Copyright © 1985 by Prentice-Hall, Inc.
Fireside Edition 1992