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BALANCING THE DISCIPLINE SCALE

Dear Dr. Ray,
My nine year old son brings much more discipline upon himself than does his seven year old sister, who is more cooperative by nature. He accuses us of being unfair and liking her more. Any way l can make him see we're not playing favorites? ―Likes Me Less.

Here are three options. One, overlook much of your son's misconduct so that you discipline both children equally. Two, discipline your daughter for nitpicking kid stuff so she gets more discipline than she deserves. Three, try to make your son understand that you discipline only when it's called for, and since he calls for it more, he receives it more. Discipline has nothing to do with favoritism or who you like more. Repeat this regularly until he accepts it.

I'll bet you think I'm going to recommend option three. Actually, none of them is very good. Three is the route most parents take, with unending frustration, because Justice will seldom acknowledge his role in your differential discipline, no matter how eloquent and flawless your reasoning.

Have you yet heard, "Mother, I've been so stubborn. Of course, you don't like me less. I realize I am fully responsible for the consequences I'm bringing upon myself, and that if I acted more like Chastity, I too would rarely be disciplined. In fact, I think I'm going to study her behavior and see just what it is that makes her so pleasant and mature." Kids don't like to let little things like reality and logic cloud their view of discipline.

Actually, options one and two aren't as far fetched as they sound. Many parents feel compelled to balance the discipline scale by easing up on Butkus or cracking down on Chastity. One mom put it this way, "if I disciplined him whenever he deserved it, he'd get disciplined ten times as much as his sister. As it is, I let him get away with about half of his nastiness, and he still gets disciplined five times as much."

Ultimately, either option is unfair to the child who behaves better. Why should s/he be held to separate, more rigorous standards just because a sibling is unjustly crying "foul"?

Are there options other than the above? Yes, or else I would have written myself into a corner. To begin, mete out discipline as it is deserved, independent of what a child thinks. A truth of family life is that no two children require equal amounts of guidance and firmness.

Second, quit redefending yourself to Justice. He's determined not to agree with or at least accept the facts. You'll only get dragged into protracted arguments which will likely convince him further that he has a legitimate gripe. After all, why would you spend so much time trying to talk him out of his perception?

Third, and most important, be extra attentive to Justice in between discipline episodes. Rather than struggling to make everything even between him and his sister, balance his discipline with increased affection and attention. Put another way, instead of disciplining him less, you'll be loving him up more.

Will Justice come to realize your true fairness? Probably not for a while. Over time, through, he'll misbehave less. And then his discipline will be more, or should I say less, like Chastity's.

One other thing. The teen years are coming, and they can alter the whole parenting landscape. Sometimes the docile child flares up and the feisty one mellows out. There, now don't you feel better
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