Dr. Ray Guarendi, clincal psychologist, author, speaker, radio host, and family advocate

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Of Quality and Quantity

Parenting in the past few decades has seen the emergence of a concept called quality time. Many experts now contend that the real value of any time spent with children depends on its quality rather than its quantity. In other words, when you interact with kids, especially if your opportunities to do so are limited, make the most of those opportunities. Make sure they are mutually positive, stimulating, and emotionally satisfying. Play games, tell stories, walk, talk; share, care. All these are worthy goals. It does little good to average five hours a day with Felicity, if three-and-a-half hours are mutually irritating.

Good parents agree that time shared with kids is best when it's good time. These parents part company with the experts on the notion of quality superseding quantity. They maintain that quality time depends on quantity time. The: more time spent with or near a child-be it playing a game, drying dishes, or reading quietly in the same room-the more quality time is likely to occur.

Becky, mother to Ben and Emily, at ages nine and six representing the youngest family in this book, said, "Just being there to give a hug or a reassuring word right when it's most needed, or to see a smile that is so special, these are moments that make parenting worthwhile to me. I know I'm experiencing something I'll always treasure." For Becky, catching everyday "pieces" of her kids' growing up is what puts the quality in her parenting.

Connie, a mom of two from Delaware, felt similarly. "It's not easy to create an atmosphere conducive to a quality experience, whether you're dealing with a two-year-old or a fifteen-year-old. It just seems to me that the quantity of time spent together increases the odds of those spontaneous quality times which everyone appreciates."

Some parents were uneasy about the whole notion of quality time. They felt it was a phrase that could mislead. A mother and father from Mobile, Alabama, stated, "We question the concept of quality time spent with children. It is too easy to use this as an excuse not to spend time with children on a regular basis. The presence of a parent, regardless of what might be taking place at home, is a major factor, in our opinion, in the stability of the family."

To Ron and Candy from Hot Springs, Arkansas, quality was not the guiding word, equality was. After Becky (now aged twelve) was born, requiring Ron and Candy to divide their time between her and her older brother, Jacob (now aged sixteen), they made some parenting adjustments. "Instead of 'quality time,' we planned 'equality time.' Since I spent more time with the baby, Ron spent extra time with big brother." This workable compromise continued after Abby (now aged seven) was born. Ron and Candy strove for equality; it was their way of ensuring quantity.

Finally, one father from Omaha didn't dally over diplomacy in his stance on quality and quantity: "Forget about quality time. Just be there." Indeed, "just be there" was a pervasive parenting theme. Quantity time is not measured solely by how many fun hours are shared with the kids. If this were so, some of us could only enjoy quality time. Out of necessity, our schedules don't offer large open blocks for frequent family activities. Besides, as the children move into their teens, they typically become less excited about hanging around us older folks. We embarrass them. Given these realities, most parents considered quantity time to include a passive presence, a willingness to make ourselves available for support, if and when the kids need us or are ready to talk. And when kids want to talk, they want to talk now, even if it's to us parent-types, even if it's because we're the only ones around.

Sometimes parents feel badly that their financial state doesn't allow them to give as much as they'd like to their children materially. If you've had such feelings, words from parents in Massachusetts should hold some comfort. "Our most important contribution to our children is giving ourselves to them, giving them all the time we can. We feel they can't ask for anything more than that." Not that kids won't try to ask, but conscientious parents maintain that time will more than compensate for a lack of designer labels, video games, cars, or extravagant allowances. Should the kids complain a little about our priorities now, they will appreciate them more fully some years from now, and that's what, counts.