The Personality of a Parent

What qualities make good parents? This is a question we asked these parents. At first glance, their answers may seem a bit surprising, but the more you ponder them, the more sense they make.

Mention the word childrearing to someone, and you're likely to call to his mind words like consistency, positive reinforcement, parent-child bonding, active listening. A pervasive image of childrearing the past few decades is that it is largely a series of techniques one applies to a particular child in a particular situation to achieve a particular result. Put another way, competent parenting is the smart application of a set of "proven" childrearing principles.

Nobody would deny that a fundamental of good parenting is knowing something about kids and their development. With so much attention given to substance, though, style is being pushed into the background. That's unfortunate for parents, because while possessing certain parenting "skills" is important, the real value of those skills depends upon the person who practices them. A wise parent is willing and eager to put into action words like consistency and active listening. An even wiser parent realizes that the effectiveness of any parenting approach is inextricably tied to what kind of person he is. In essence, our personhood sets the tone for our parenthood.

"I would rank patience among the highest childrearing qualities. Larry always treated others, young or old, with patience."

"The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

"I believe that part of what makes a good parent has to do with personalities, the ability to deal with unknown situations, and the unexpected. I think the single most important thing that makes Stephen and I good parents is our role with each other. We are good people, I think, and good friends."

"I didn't look for any parenting qualities in Bruce whatsoever before marriage. I viewed him in light of his personal, humanistic qualities, how he related to me and other people. Those qualities I admired most were a sense of commitment, a sense of adventure, a sense of humor, and a sense of trust."

"She's as good a mother as she is a companion and friend to me."

"I had no idea how strict Bill would be as a father, but I did know he would be loving because of the way he treated me. I was right."

"The qualities I looked for in a spouse would naturally be good child-raising qualities: kindness, warmth, gentleness, intelligence, good humor, honesty, selflessness, integrity, courage, common sense, wisdom."

Finally, a dad who is a dentist said he valued "mental stability, intelligence, and good teeth."

These observations convey the feeling of virtually all the parents: The "heart" of a parent is more vital to family success than her childrearing "mechanics." What kind of person you are will have far more impact on your children than the fact that you can reflect feelings with the precision of a counselor or that on your better days your discipline consistency rate hits sixty-four percent (exceptionally high if raising kids under ten years old; unattainable if raising kids over ten). Stephen, father to Sarah and Emily (aged thirteen and eleven), from West Virginia, asserted, "My parenting style has evolved out of my personality. To act any other way would be a form of faking it, and children are unbelievably sensitive to fakers." Giving her husband her ultimate parenting compliment, a wife said, "He has qualities that make a home happy on a general basis, and not necessarily child-specific."

On the whole, these should be comforting observations. Most of us are good people. We have our rough edges, maybe a lot of them, but we're working to smooth them. And certainly we're striving to be better parents. Your picking up this book is evidence of that fact. If someone were to ask you, however, "Are you a better person or parent?" what would you say? If you'd answer "person," you'd have a lot of other parents for company. Many parents these days have much more confidence in their ability to be good people than to be good parents. Part of the reason for this is that everybody—the experts, media, other parents—tell parents how to be parents. You are so relentlessly bombarded with all you should be saying and doing in the name of childrearing that you simply can't measure up to it all. Who could? No wonder so many parents feel they can't master all the basics of childrearing. There are a lot more basics than there used to be.

Many parents wonder if they even have the personality or makeup to be a competent parent. For instance, they might consider themselves too emotional or too reactive and not laid-back enough. These kinds of worries are unfounded, for a couple of reasons. First, there is no perfect personality for a parent, just as there are no perfect parents. Each of us has characteristics that are natural for raising some kids and not so natural for others. One mother observed, "A mother or father cannot be all things to all children, so there are bound to be weak and strong areas in a child's development." In essence, no parenting style can be "right" for all children. Second, nearly every personality characteristic affects childrearing in many different ways. For example, your emotionality may trigger you to shoot off lines like, "I can't wait until you have six kids just like you" (Watch out, you'll be the grandparent of those kids!), but it also is the very trait that underlies how easily you show affection or how quickly you sense how little Newton feels after he's failed his first math test.

To begin relieving any doubts you might have about your childrearing skills, remind yourself of what some good people are saying: The basics of good parenting evolve from the basics of good personing. Sharpen up some of your childrearing "techniques" while you strive to become a better person, and you've got an unbeatable combination for raising kids.

Back to the Family Pages 65-67
Copyright © 1990 by In The Company of Kids
Villard Books New York 1990